Wherein I Can't Catch My Breath

On the surface, it probably looks like I have it together. 

And most days I do. Have it together, that is.

Most days, I can be patient.

Most days, I can be nurturing.

Most days, I can breathe.

Today was not one of those days.

This morning, as the chaos of our morning routine swirled around me, I had one of those mom-moments where I thought I would scream if I had to repeat myself one. more. time. Or if I had to settle one more argument, or yell at the dog ever again. Kids talking. Dog barking. Phone ringing. It's the kind of craziness that I usually relish because it is my home and family that make it.

But I suddenly found that I couldn't catch my breath. The more I struggled to take a deep breath, the harder it became, and the more stressed-out I got. It felt like I had tight bands around my chest, preventing me from fully inhaling. I stopped what I was doing, left the room, and tried to pull myself together, only to turn around and find that the craziness had followed me from the kitchen. And they were still fighting. And barking. And ringing.

I had reached my limit and the bands around my chest began to squeeze in earnest.

I've dealt with mild anxiety before during stressful periods of my life, and I've always been able to control it with exercise, prayerful meditation, and simple breathing and relaxation techniques. But it has been a long time since anxiety has reared its ugly head, and I was not prepared for it, although I should have been. 

A long walk helped me get things under control this morning, but I know it was only a band-aid. I need to be better about regular exercise and taking time for myself; I need to be better about setting limits. Homeschooling means constant togetherness, which is wonderful. But it means that I rarely have a moment of privacy. And I usually don't mind. Until I do. 
In the future, I won't wait till my fuse is burned up before I take that break I need to refuel. This is especially important going into the holiday season, with the extra stress of money {or lack thereof, to be more accurate}, extended family, and crowded shopping malls. What should be a joyful time can easily become a stressful one. So, whether it's my spending limit, the limit of my patience, or the speed limit; honoring my limits will help ensure that I can inhale.
 I am off to fill up the tub with a lot of bubbles and the hottest water I can stand. I have a stack of magazines and a functioning lock on the door. And I intend to use it.